WHY 2+1 = NO!

Ray and Jessica were the quintessential progressive couple, according to Ray. Apparently, they never argued, but “deliberated.” She loved sports and he did most of the cooking and more than his share of the cleaning. Oh, and Ray once tossed the idea of a threesome around Jessica, and she said she was all for it, but only after she felt they had reached a point where the relationship was strong enough to handle temporarily introducing someone else into it.

Ray would go on and on about how Jessica’s willingness to have a threesome signaled their true commitment to do anything for one another. She would do anything for him so he would do anything for her.

I admit Ray’s boasting made me a bit jealous. There I was at the time, dating a girl who hated performing fellatio and treated my shmekel like Hazmat, while Ray was gearing up to live out every man’s fantasy. Or so we thought.

When Ray finally approached Jessica about honoring her word on the threesome, she was still gung ho about it, but envisioned a different scenario than Ray. She thought that since they would probably try it more than once, she wanted the first time to be with another guy. Her reasoning was simple and understandable: she knew herself well enough to know that nothing could ever develop externally from the experience, gender should not play a role in who they brought home, a willing guy would be much easier to find and the fantasy was something she had wanted to fulfill since rummaging through her daddy’s porn stash.

Oh yeah, Jessica was quite the progressive girl. Ray, not so much. Suddenly, his eagerness for a ménage à trois faded and, after a little over a year of deliberations, Ray and Jessica had their first fight. Almost as sudden, none of Ray’s boys were envious anymore.

For a guy, the idea of two women is nothing about preference and all about abundance. Instead of two breasts to grab, there are four. Twice the amount of lips to kiss, bodies to hold, and so on. The idea of two men together is too confrontational. Every show on the Discovery Channel featuring two male animals and a female ends in bloodshed. Someone dies or is left licking his wounds and not any part of the female.

In the case of humans, it would be a competition with no real winners, every extra moan or, worse yet, scream induced by the third wheel would puncture the manhood and possibly scar it permanently. The boyfriend would be a spectator, watching and mentally recording all interaction between his girlfriend and the other guy. He could not enjoy himself as much and there would be absolutely no sexual interaction between the two men, as with women, so it becomes pointless after a while. Well, except for the girlfriend, I suppose.

Well, as for Ray and Jessica, their first argument led to many. Ray wanted more time to adjust to the idea of another man, then ultimately backed away from it. Jessica saw the situation as Ray only wanting to be the center of attention and, if he was a man of his word, he would try the threesome with another man first, with the ability to stop if he could not handle it, then she would be up for bringing another woman. If Ray refused, she could no longer be with him. Ray refused. To Jessica, Ray went from progressive to pig and the two soon split.  For relationships, maybe threesomes of any kind are best left to the imagination or the images in daddy’s stash.

by Joel Sherman